


Dear Lizzie

by Annastesia_LaFayette



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28526910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annastesia_LaFayette/pseuds/Annastesia_LaFayette
Summary: Trip has gotten himself in a little trouble. Phlox suggests that he writes a letter to his sister to help him cope with her death. These are his ramblings.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Dear Lizzie

**Author's Note:**

> Another short that I brought over from FanFiction. Reviews welcomed.

**Day 1**

Dear Lizzie;

I really don't know where to begin, but Dr. Phlox suggests that I do this to help me cope. THIS IS SO STUPID!

Ok...I guess I should at least give this an honest shot.

I try, Lizzie, I really do try, but some days it feels like I'm drowning and no one is around to throw a line to me. I miss you.

I guess a lot has happened over the past few years and I wish you were around so I can tell you all about it. 

We got them, sis. We got the bastards that killed you, but it really hasn't filled that hole in me that they left behind. I thought I'd get some sort of satisfaction, being part of stopping them from hurting anyone else on Earth, but I still feel empty inside.

Your birthday was yesterday. You know what I did to celebrate? I got so drunk I actually cracked Jon a good one in the mouth. I don't know why I did it...really don't remember doing it, but here I am sitting in the brig and I keep expecting you to walk in any second to give me a good butt chewing before bailing me out. Guess that's not going to happen this time.

Remember my years between 18 and 20? How many times did you and dad come bail me out of county lock-up after a good bar fight? Dad would just give me a disappointing look, but you were always the one to whack me in the head and tell me what an idiot I am. Thought maybe Starfleet would take some of the wild out of me… guess not.

Jon gave me a choice. Court martial or 10 days in the brig, 6 months probation and daily counseling sessions with Phlox. I took option B.

Well, I did at least settle down with one woman. Her name is T'Pol and she's a Vulcan. Yeah, before you remind me of some of the things I used to say about Vulcans, I'll remind you that I was just a kid then and didn't know any better. 

I think you would have liked her, once you got to really know her that is. It takes time to figure her out, but she really is a terrific person, and funny too. I'm not joking! The humor is subtle and it takes a minute or two to figure out she's screwing with you, but that's how she gets someone. By the time they've figured it out, there's really no way to come back from it.

Oh! You won't believe what I got to do once! I had to do a ship-to-ship transfer...while at warp! There I was, tethered to a line between the two ships, nothing but my EV suit, and a rope to keep me from flying out into the unknown. I took a moment to look around, sis, I tell you it was like I was flying like a bird, just me and open space. For a moment, I wished you were there to experience it with me. Who knows? Maybe in some way you were.

What else? I submitted my formula for warp 7 theory and Starfleet has already started testing it. I've been told that the first test didn't go too well and they was ready to scrap the formula, but once I found out they were using an unmodified warp 5 core, I sent in all the records of what I've done to  _ Enterprise's _ engines and the next test was shaky, but at least nothing blew up. Haha.

Jon wasn't too thrilled with me sending in everything that I've modified on this engine. You see, Jon's given me a lot of leeway with what I do, and some of the things I did would have taken years of red tape if we had actually asked for permission to do it. Well, none of the Admirals have said anything about it… yet.

I just kind of don't really know what else to say at this time, maybe still a little too hungover to think right, maybe just think it's kind of stupid to write a letter to a person that's no longer around to read it. I don't know.

**_Day 2_ **

Hi Lizzie, me again.

Dr. Phlox came to talk to me this morning. So fun… not. He told me that I cracked Jon so hard I broke a tooth! He said that he couldn't save Jon's tooth and had to pull it. I know me and Jon have had a couple knock-down drag-outs over the years, but neither of us ever swung on the other without some sort of good reason. I just wish I could remember why I took a swing at him.

I've never been so drunk that I blacked out before, and if daddy were her right now, I'm sure I'd get a good wallop. Wouldn't be too surprised if Jon hasn't already spoken to dad, and you know daddy… he doesn't let things like this slide too easy. I'll probably get the belt next time I'm home on shore leave, and truthfully, I deserve it.

Jon hasn't come to see me yet, I'm sure he's still steaming. I wish he'd come talk to me so I can tell him how sorry I am. It's not just words, Liz, I really do feel like a dirtbag for what I did.

Still don't remember doing it or why. All I remember was sitting down and giving one toast after another to you, then waking up in the brig. I've been told that by the time the security team arrived at my quarters, I was already half passed out and they pretty much had to carry me down here.

Dr. Phlox looked at what I wrote so far and said that I need to open up about my feelings dealing with your death. Truth is...I don't know what my feelings are about it. Anger, of course. Sad… always. You were my baby sister! I was supposed to be the one to protect you and I failed! I failed because I left home and wasn't there when you needed me the most.

Everyone keeps telling me that even if I had been in Florida when the Xindi attacked, there wouldn't have been anything I could do to save you, and most likely I'd be dead too. I guess they're right, but it doesn't help knowing that I wasn't there for you.

Remember when I first went to California to the academy? The first few weeks I got so homesick I called you almost everyday and we would talk for several hours. I miss that. 

Hey… you remember the time in 4th grade when that kid kept picking on you? What was his name? Anyways, I think that was the first time that I knew what being a big brother meant. Hell, I scared that boy so badly, making him cry, he didn't even come near you the rest of the year. Right then and there was when I made a promise to myself that I would never let anyone mess with my sis!

Sorry. I took a couple hours away from writing this. Malcolm brought my lunch to me, ham and cheese sandwich and chips, no dessert. He said he was going to put a piece of pecan pie on my tray for me, but Jon told him I didn't deserve it and made Mal put it back. I guess I really can't blame Jon for that, I'd probably do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

Malcolm is a good guy and great friend, you would have liked him once he opened up to you. He's a bit stand-offish at first, I think he's a little shy and people tend to mistake that as him being antisocial. Well… he is a little antisocial, but it's not really his fault. We've talked a lot about his past and the way he grew up, it wasn't a happy family life.

I took him to Florida after the attack to show him around a bit. Showed him the old movie theater where we used to go when we were kids… at least where the theater used to be. Took him to meet mom and dad too, they really like him and mom couldn't get enough of his British accent… she was practically  _ swooning! _ Wish you could have been there to see it.

I asked Mal if he knew what had happened and why I took a swing at Jon. All he could say was that he asked, but Jon won't talk about it, said he's still really steaming and if I know what's good for me, when I get out I'd better walk straight and narrow for a while. Well, actually he used some Brit term for it, but I knew what he meant.

Remember the time that I snuck out of the theater? You came to look for me and caught me making out with one of your friends. What ever happened to Rachael? After that day, she didn't really talk to me and I still think you had something to do with that. You never did like it when one of your friends had an interest in me. Can't really say too much about that since I had to tell a few of my friends to stay away from you. My friends were dogs though, not worthy of making time with my baby sis.

You remember Jerry? I know you had a big crush on him and he was the main one I told to stay away from you. Anyways, he's got 4 kids now… from 4 different women. Our cousin Jeff contacted me a few weeks ago, seems Jerry got himself in a big mess and is looking at a few years in prison for robbery and assaulting the police officer that arrested him.

I'm sure there's more to the story, but Jeff wasn't sure what parts were accurate and what parts were gossip. I'm just glad that I broke away from that circle when I did or I'd be in worse shape than a few days in the brig right now. Seems like a few from that circle have gone down a bad path.

I still talk to Sammy and Buck. They're doing good. Sammy moved to Nevada after the attack and got a job at some tech company that's contracted with UE defence. They're working to upgrade the current orbital systems and are looking to expand the inner-solar system range so there will be more of a warning if any hostile species enter our system again, hopefully to give more warning in case… well.

Bucky is still in Florida. He's working with the water and wildlife preservation agency. It wasn't only humans that were affected by the attack. They're saying that some of the wildlife have lost their habitats and it has upset the balance of the ecosystem. The Key Deer are in danger of becoming extinct, otters have lost their homes and whales have been driven down to depths in search of food that they're saying within 50 years or so, there won't be any orcas left on the planet. 

The gators are surviving though, gators always survive. In fact, there's a population explosion, so much so that they're considering legal hunting just to keep it under control. Bucky got the surprise of his life a few months ago when he stepped out on his porch one morning and a gator was there to greet him. HA!

Well… I just don't know what more to say at this point. Guess I still got a few more days ahead of me to think about it.

**Day 5**

Hey sis. Sorry it took a few days to get back to this. Phlox has had me so damned… well, I know he's just trying to help me work things out, but some of this seems so silly.

He brought in some pencils and paper the other day and told me to draw a picture to express my emotions. You know me, I don't draw very well, other than circuit diagrams and warp waves. I drew a very detailed blueprint of a warp 6 circuit board, but Phlox wasn't impressed. He said it needed to be something that illustrates my feelings! How the hell does a person draw feelings? Warp theory and circuit blueprints make me happy, so doesn't that count?

Anyways, he said it wasn't good enough and told me to start over, so I drew a duck (sort of) with a strategically placed feather sticking straight up. HA! Let him try to figure out what kind of feelings that's supposed to mean.

So, I've been stuck in "the hole" 5 days now and I feel so gross! They won't give me a razor so that I can shave. Malcolm says it's procedure because it can be used as a weapon or to harm myself. He should know better! I would never do anything like that, but I guess he has to follow the rules for every prisoner.

The only thing I get is a toothbrush twice a day. It's one of those flimsy one-use types that don't really do a good job of scrubbing the teeth. One of the guards hands it to me and I have to stand in front of him while I brush my teeth, I'm not allowed to turn away. Then I have to give it back and he inspects it real good to make sure I didn't break off a piece before he tosses it into the trash recycling chute, then I get a paper cup of enough water to rinse and spit, into the cup of course, before he tosses that too.

There's a toilet in the cell, and I tell you, it's no fun doing your business without a door and someone standing guard watching you while doing it. I think ensign Jones gets some kind of perverse joy out of embarrassing a commander while I'm trying to take a crap! Sorry Liz… that was nasty.

Well, what's even more gross is that I don't have a shower and Jon won't let me be released just long enough to take one. God I stink! I heard through Malcolm that T'Pol tried to bring me some fresh clothes the other day, but Jon said no visitors. Phlox is trying to reason with him that denying a shower and clean clothes is cruel, but Jon says that a person can survive without a shower. Damn he's really being a dick about this!

Still have no clue what set me off to hit him and he still hasn't come to see me.

Malcolm is the only one allowed to serve my meals to me, after Jon approves the tray of course. Last night, Chef made baked chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, corn on the cob and peach cobbler for dessert. Did I get any? Nope. My dinner was 2 bologna sandwiches, carrot sticks and a couple pickle spears. I haven't had a hot meal since I've been in here.

Malcolm usually stays with me while I eat, protocol so he can inspect that all utensils are accounted for before taking the tray out. At least while I'm eating, he keeps me up to date about what's going on around the ship.

Christine Hess has been keeping my engineering running smooth, making sure to stay on the maintenance schedule, so that's taken some worry off my mind at least.

Hoshi picked up some kind of strange noise coming from a planet we were close to yesterday. She thought it might have been some sort of alien device trying to search for extraterrestrial beings (us) to prove that there's life out here, kind of like what we did on Earth in the late 20th century. But it turned out to be the planet's natural frequency wave and when we went into orbit, the visual sensors showed that the civilization there was no further along than what our ancient world would have been, like in the Egypt pharaohs days, much too primitive to risk it, so we moved on without making contact.

It's a shame really, that we can't go to some of those places. It might help us to understand better how our ancestors actually lived, rather than reading some interpretations from history books. I guess in some ways though, I can see why Vulcans put so much responsibility on first contact procedures. We wouldn't want to inadvertently alter the course of a civilization's core beliefs.

Missed movie night. Of course it was my favorite movie,  _ Frankenstein, _ and Jon picked it. I know he did it to spite me! He knew that I'd find out about it… he doesn't even like that movie and didn't even bother to go! Ass.

About the only thing keeping me sane right now is my daily talks and "make-out" sessions with T'Pol. I know I said I wasn't allowed to have visitors, but what Jon (or anyone else even) doesn't know is that me and T'Pol have this bond thing and can communicate telepathically. Yeah… I can do that now. Well, it takes practice and time to learn how to do it, but I'm getting better at being able to call her to me, rather than her bringing my katra to her.

Well… let's just say it's a good thing I got a nice thick blanket and that I'm at least allowed to turn my back on the guards while I'm sleeping. I know… you're my baby sis and you really don't want to hear about those things from your brother. I can hear you now:  _ Trip! That's disgusting! Shut up! _

**Day 7**

SIS! I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER!

PHLOX JUST WON'T STOP! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE WANTS FROM ME! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? I CAN'T TAKE HIM ANYMORE!

HE SAYS I NEED TO OPEN UP ABOUT MY FEELINGS, BUT I DON'T  _ KNOW _ WHAT I FEEL!

Sorry. Sorry for the yelling. Sorry.

Jon still hasn't come to talk to me, I still don't remember busting him in the mouth or why I did it. Sissy… I'm scared. I never been  that drunk before that I don't remember. What if… what if this means I'm turning into an alcoholic? You remember Uncle Will, right? I know you were little when he… well you heard the stories of what happened to him. What if I'm heading down the same road? They say it's hereditary you know.

What if I'm never able to get past losing my baby sister? What if I can't figure out how that makes me  _ feel? _ It's either drinking or working myself to death that numbs my brain long enough to make me stop thinking about it, and truthfully, working myself to death doesn't always help.

Phlox keeps going on and on about this stupid letter, saying it's not good enough. He just doesn't understand that this is how we are. We tell each other what's going on in our lives, crack jokes, say what we're thinking, reminisce. I just don't know what he wants from me.

Lizzie… I really am scared here. I know it started out as a drink now and then, just to help slow me down. You know how I get, not able to turn my brain off. Now I notice that a day doesn't go by that I don't have at least 1 drink after my shift. Truth is, I watch the clock for my shift to end so that I can get that drink. What if a day comes that I turn into what Uncle Will was? I… guess I should talk to Dr. Phlox about him and my fears.

**Day 8**

Hi Lizzie. Just wanted to let you know, I had a long talk with Phlox about my drinking. He said it doesn't sound like it's "out of control" or any type of indication that I'm becoming an alcoholic at this point, that a few nights ago was most likely a rare incident. I mean, I was honest and told him about my younger years, going to the bars and all, but he still thinks that it's nothing to get worked up about.

He also said that since I recognized the increase early, it will help to make sure that it doesn't turn into a problem, something about self-realization being the difference rather than being in denial, I would be less likely to allow it to become a problem.

He did warn me that I need to be careful though, since there is a history of alcoholism in our immediate family, and that it's ok to have the occasional drink because I  _ want _ it, not because I  _ need _ it. Guess I'll be limiting my consumption to a beer or two while watching a football game from now on. Haha.

Anyway, I feel a little better today about having a drink now and then. He also suggested that I talk to T'Pol about helping me with Vulcan meditation techniques to help me shut my mind down when it's racing. That'll help keep me from reaching for a bottle as well.

I did say something to her during our nightly "chat" and she said that she could definitely help. By the way, Phlox now knows about my being able to communicate with T'Pol like that, and he was extremely surprised by it, since only a very small percentage of humans have the neuro makeup to be able to accomplish it. He wants to do some testing but… well you know how I feel about those kinds of things.

**Day 9**

Well, Jon finally decided to grace me with his presence. He's still mad and I can't say that I blame him.

I apologised to him. Lizzie, truth is, I crumbled in a sobbing mess. I cried like a little baby when he told me what happened. I know now. I know why I hit him and… well, let me start from the beginning.

After your memorial, mom gave me a box with some of your things that she thought I might want as memories. I never opened that box until a few days ago. There were pictures in there of us when we were kids and a few other things.

Do you remember your birthday before I left for the academy? Mom threw a party for you, I guess in a way it was for both of us, but she made us wear those silly birthday hats like we did when we were 4 or 5. We wore them to make her happy, knowing she was just trying to keep us as her babies, even if it was just for 1 day, before having to acknowledge that we were grown up and becoming adults.

All those years, you kept that little paper princess tiara hat with the glued on plastic jewels. A couple of the jewels have fallen off and some of the glitter wore off too, but still, I was surprised that you still had it and I guess… I don't know.

Well, I really don't remember it, but at some point I guess I put it on my head. Jon dropped by my quarters and when he saw me wearing it, he cracked an innocent joke about it. That's when I clobbered him.

That was the day that I promised your first birthday after you finished college, I'd take you for a joyride out in space, give you a tour of Saturn's rings, show you the Sea of Tranquility on the moon, even let you see Jupiter's eye in person instead of pictures. This would have been that year.

Those bastards ROBBED me! They robbed me of keeping my promise to you. They robbed me of seeing my baby sister's face light up at seeing all of those spectacular sights!

They robbed you too. They robbed you of your  _ life! _ They robbed you of all the potential and dreams you had for yourself. They robbed you of watching your little boy growing up. Gabe is growing so fast and you would be so proud of him. He's a fine boy and will turn into a wonderful gentleman. No boy should have to grow up without his mommy! They robbed him too! They robbed him of a mother's guidance, comfort and love.

And Richard! That sorry sonofabitch! I hear he's seeing someone. I know… you would want him to move on and be happy, but it's too soon. If I were back home, I'd knock his damn teeth out! 

Wait a minute. Oh god. I didn't hit Jon… in my mind, I hit Rick. Shit.

Lizzie, those bastards robbed our whole family of so much. We couldn't even have a proper funeral for you. Nothing of you to bury. All we could do was hold a service, make little speeches and talk about our memories. Mom and dad still have their hearts broken about that.

I can't, Liz. I just can't forgive the Xindi for what they did to you… to our entire family. They ripped us apart. In one single move, they left all of us stunned, heartbroken, scared, angry and lost.

I know there were millions of other families they destroyed like that too… but you were MY family, MY sister. I'll never forgive them for what they took from us.

God I need a drink right now! I need to beat someone to a pulp! I need to kill something! No… I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to Phlox. Right now!

**Day 11**

Dear Lizzie;

I got out of the brig yesterday and took a shower for over an hour. Still feel a little grimy. After that, I took the last 2 bottles of bourbon I had stashed away and dumped them down the drain.

I've had several long talks with Phlox. He looked over my letter to you and said that I was finally ready to start healing. It'll be a long, hard process, but I think he's right… I think I'm ready.

Part of beginning that process was going to Jon. I told him everything I've been holding back, how much he hurt me when he closed himself off to the entire crew, closed himself off to our friendship.

I told him about Rick seeing someone, how hurt and angry that's made me, and that I wasn't just lashing out at him, but at Rick and the Xindi as well.

We talked for a few hours and I believe him when he said he didn't know how deeply painful this has all been for me, and that he didn't really mean to push me or anyone else away… it was just the only way  _ he _ knew how to cope. I told him that maybe he should consider counseling sessions with Phlox. We'll see if he does. Damn these ships really should have a practicing shrink onboard.

Of course this doesn't let me off my punishment, I still have 6 months probation ahead of me. I'm sure Jon will think of ways to make every day of it "enjoyable" starting with being solely responsible for cleaning the bio-waste tanks… without a power scrubber. Talk about gross! 

Phlox had said that starting the healing process was to begin by deleting this letter, a symbolic way of releasing my bad emotions, and I get what he's saying, but I told him that I found writing to you was an outlet to get things off my chest.

I told him that we were always there for each other, Liz, we both always knew that we could turn to the other and vent. Your body may no longer be here, but you will always be in my heart and your spirit will always walk beside me.

After that, he's decided that maybe it might be a good thing after all, as long as he can view what I've written and we discuss it. So, that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to keep this letter going and write to you whenever I need to let things out, or just to tell you about my day.

I love you sis.

Trip.


End file.
